Dealing with difficult colleagues? You’re not alone. Research shows employees now spend over 4 hours per week managing workplace conflict. But here’s what most leaders miss: the behavior isn’t usually the real problem, it’s a signal that connection has been lost.
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking “Why is this person being so difficult?” – you’re not alone.
Almost every senior leader I work with brings some version of this into coaching. Not always as the headline issue, but it’s there in the background: the conversation they’re avoiding, the relationship that drains their energy, the team dynamic that keeps pulling them off course.
What often surprises people is this: Most “difficult behaviour” at work has very little to do with bad intent; and a lot to do with lost connection.
The Hidden Cost of Disconnection at Work
Research consistently shows that conflict at work is widespread and costly. By 2022, the average employee was spending over 4 hours per week dealing with conflict, up from 3 hours in 2008. Multiply that across teams, weeks, and salaries, and you’re looking at the equivalent of full-time roles lost to emotional friction.
But the real cost isn’t just financial. It’s the emotional load:
- People losing sleep
- Leaders carrying tension home
- Teams stuck in avoidance, silence, or low-level resentment
- Capable people disengaging or quietly opting out
And here’s the part we often miss:
39% of job satisfaction comes from interpersonal relationships, that’s the single biggest factor; more than pay, promotion, or interesting work.
When relationships feel unsafe, strained, or disconnected, performance suffers, no matter how strong the strategy looks on paper.
From “Conflict” to Disconnect
In my work, I rarely use the word conflict. It suggests something loud, explicit, and dramatic.
Most workplace issues are quieter than that.
They show up as:
- Passive aggression
- Avoidance
- Tension in meetings
- Silence after emails
- A tone, a look, a lack of responsiveness
These are all signs of disconnection, a rupture in a relationship that hasn’t been named or repaired.
And because we value professionalism, we often keep a lid on it. We carry on. But under the surface, the emotional system is activated.
What’s Happening in the Brain
When someone feels dismissed, criticised, excluded, or unsafe, the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, fires.
Once that happens:
- Logic goes offline
- Reasoning becomes difficult
- Emotions take the wheel
This is why “just be rational” doesn’t work in heated moments. Telling someone to be calm doesn’t make them calm!
You’re no longer talking to the thinking brain, you’re talking to a nervous system in protection mode.
And here’s the crucial piece: Social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain.
So when someone reacts strongly to what seems like a small moment, it’s not weakness. It’s biology.
The Negative Cycle We Get Stuck In
In many workplace relationships, people fall into predictable patterns:
One person pursues: pushing for conversation, clarity, resolution
The other withdraws: shutting down, avoiding, distancing
Both are trying to protect the relationship, just in opposite ways.
The more one pushes, the more the other retreats. The more one retreats, the more the other escalates.
No bad people. Just a negative cycle running the show.
And unless someone knows how to slow it down, name it, and shift it, it deepens over time.
Why This Matters for Leaders
As a leader, you don’t need to be perfect. But you do need to be accessible, responsive, and emotionally present.
The unspoken question every direct report is asking is simple:
“Are you there for me?”
When the answer feels unclear, people protect themselves through behaviour that can look frustrating, resistant, or disengaged.
When safety is restored, something remarkable happens:
- Communication becomes easier
- Emotions settle
- Performance improves
- People grow
I’ve seen relationships transform, not through confrontation or HR processes- but through structured, emotionally safe conversations that restore connection.
Planning the Year Ahead – With Connection in Mind
This is where planning often goes wrong.
We focus on:
- Goals
- Targets
- Outputs
- Delivery
But we forget to plan for the quality of relationships that will carry all of that.
As you look ahead to the coming weeks and months, I invite you to pause and ask:
- Where do I feel energised – and where do I feel drained?
- Which relationships need attention before pressure increases?
- Where might unspoken tension quietly derail good intentions?
This is exactly why I created the Weekly Planner I’m sharing with you – not as another productivity tool, but as a pause point.
It includes space not just for tasks and priorities, but for:
- Reflection
- Gratitude
- Awareness of what really matters
Used intentionally, it becomes a way to notice emotional patterns early, before they harden into habits or conflict.
You can download the planner here and begin using it straight away.
A Final Thought
Difficult behaviour is rarely the real problem.
It’s a signal.
A sign that somewhere, connection has been stretched, strained, or lost.
When leaders learn to recognise that – and respond with curiosity rather than blame – everything changes.
Less time firefighting. More time doing the work that matters.
And a workplace where people feel safe enough to bring their best.
Warmly,
Niamh